Contrary to popular belief not every person that happens to be a male homosexual enjoys or even regularly tolerates the act of shopping. It is not something I enjoy. Rarely do I like to window shop either, because that entire process seems a waste of time if there is really no intention on making a purchase in the first place. So at the risk of losing my membership card and my row of toaster ovens, I venture out to retail clothing establishments as infrequently as possible (read: when I absolutely, positively have nothing decent to wear in my entire closet).

Although my new and still wonderful employment permits me to come in wearing jeans and t-shirts, I realised that not only do I need some new pairs of jeans but all of my shoes are pretty pathetic looking. Therefore it is with great disdain I must venture out Saturday to obtain one or two pairs of comfortable jeans, a new pair of tennis shoes and a pair of business casual boot-style shoes that are also appropriate for social outings. Someone please shoot me now.

I suppose my greatest concern in all of this is the fact that I may not be able to discern if a pair of shoes meets my business casual (with Dockers) and social (recreation and clubs) requirement. What is too formal or casual? I am very much hoping the clerks in the stores I visit today are competent enough to properly advise me on these issues. Or perhaps I should do the right thing and ring up a fag or two to come along and be my personal shopper.

Yes, that is the ticket! Either way I will need a nice stiff drink at the end of all this to celebrate the completion of my sure to be terrible retail shopping experience and simultaneously the fact that I can plan on having to do it again no sooner than six months from now. Or so I hope.

Yeah, you had better take the card and those toasters away from me now.