I would like to send a special fuck you! greeting to the person who invented the cotton mattress cover. You know, that thin cotton sheet with the elastic trim that fits around your mattress under your primary sheet. Thanks to you, I just spent a good ten minutes this early morning contorted on my bed in positions one should never have to be in alone. For that matter, it seems like this device was designed for installation by two (or more) people, never mind the single person of today. Is it not possible that it be just slightly larger to make putting it on a hair easier and without the need to involve clothes pins, heavy objects and enough language to make a sailor blush? Of course the real icing on the cake of bedroom irony will be that after a few days of non-rambunctious solo sleeping, that damn cover will hardly be covering the mattress in fifty percent of its corners. We can send many men to the moon, yet the elusive mattress cover is still needing a good Kennedy speech to kick-start an evolution.