I would like to send a special fuck you! greeting to the person who invented the cotton mattress cover. You know, that thin cotton sheet with the elastic trim that fits around your mattress under your primary sheet. Thanks to you, I just spent a good ten minutes this early morning contorted on my bed in positions one should never have to be in alone. For that matter, it seems like this device was designed for installation by two (or more) people, never mind the single person of today. Is it not possible that it be just slightly larger to make putting it on a hair easier and without the need to involve clothes pins, heavy objects and enough language to make a sailor blush? Of course the real icing on the cake of bedroom irony will be that after a few days of non-rambunctious solo sleeping, that damn cover will hardly be covering the mattress in fifty percent of its corners. We can send many men to the moon, yet the elusive mattress cover is still needing a good Kennedy speech to kick-start an evolution.

As you may recall I took a Saturday trip not too far back to the nearby city of Clermont to walk around the historic downtown, visit the Citrus Tower and just generally enjoy a relaxing day. The last stop on that trip was to the Lakeridge Winery where my friend and I sampled many of their wines and took a tour of their production facility. Below is a letter I recently received in the mail from them.

Dear David,

Congratulations on being the winner of our weekly Gift Certificate drawing. This letter may be redeemed at the winery for $25.00 in merchandise. Thank you for you coming in, we hope to see you again soon.

Dedicated to your good taste;

Kyle S. Johnson
Retail Manager

Well how about that! I think I can take another little trip out that way to pick up some more bottles of wine. Especially since I also got hired today; details on that to come later.

I have been feeling rather under the weather for the past week or so and just noticed it has been a while since I posted something not pertaining to current events. So continuing with the food theme, I thought I would put together some personal notes about dining. Hopefully this will not deter any possible dates from wishing to go out to dinner with me. Ok, you can stop laughing now. No, really.


Seating
I think I may have already mentioned before my preference for booths over tables. This is especially true in restaurants where the tables are located in the middle of the dining floor. Nothing drives me nuts more in the seating department than being sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant. A table along a wall is not quite a booth, but is certainly doable. And get this: there are a few restaurants in town where I will wait for a seat, passing up already available tables because they make me so uncomfortable.


Take Away
Of the choices offered-up by more and more eateries these days, dine-in, carry out or delivery (where available), I only find one generally acceptable option: dine-in. Sure, like everyone else I enjoy a nice box of delivered pizza to my home, but with that notable exception I really dislike the whole rushed idea of eating on the run.

If given the chance to never eat again, I would take it up because I could really do without it if I never got hungry again. That sadly not being the situation, I feel that dining should be a little break from the rest of your day. Whether eating alone or with others, sitting down and being serviced in a restaurant is great way to relax and take care of that ever-nagging stomach. How people can eat lunch at their desks or in their cars is beyond me. Too busy is your argument? Well enjoy your stress-induced cardiovascular disease at thirty, but I am going to take the time to get away during my allocated eating and break times. On a more technical level, food never tastes the same once you get home as it would have had you eaten it in the restaurant. Finally, I might not be a member of Greenpeace but I try to do my part for the environment and all the packaging required to transport a measly dinner for one is a ridiculous waste if you ask me.


Fast Food
Having stated the above, another exception to my dine-in only rule applies in cases where dine-in is not available, such as the case is often with restaurants open 24 hours via the drive-through only. While I would happily dine at a facility that did offer continual seating, my desire to sit in a restaurant alone has waned over the years. So instead I will make a drive-though run as I did this morning. This action creates another situation, however. I have to get a beverage and side (usually french fries) upgrade because I will inevitably drink half my beverage and eat half my fries on the drive back home. I do not think it is as much a hunger thing as it is a freshness one. You cannot beat fries so fresh the grease stings your fingers as you hold them.


Dinner and a Show
If the occasion does call for eating at home be that from one of the above exceptions or more typically the result of my cooking for myself, I will sit in front of the television whilst doing so. That is usually the only television I end up watching during the course of a week. Recent favourites: Law and Order and The West Wing. While I was not feeling well I watched both The American President and Wonder Boys twice. But I digress.


Miscellaneous
Vegetarianism sounds great in my head, but never really took well in practice. I like my meat medium rare. Lactose is evil. So is the "Insert" key, inconveniently located next to "End," "Delete" and "Backspace" on my laptop keyboard making it a ripe candidate for accidental pressing.

And here I thought I was compulsive! While eating dinner last night at Cracker Barrel, I could not help but watch this man who was sitting several tables away. He was average in height and build, probably around 45-50 years of age, Caucasian and had a shaved or bald head.

The first unusual thing I noted about this man was the fact that for a period of several minutes, I was absolutely convinced he had fallen asleep right there at the table. He was sitting alone, holding his head up with his hand and arm, eyes closed. I kept looking over to see if he had just closed them for a second or not.

When his food arrived I noticed a few more things that got my attention. First, it appeared he had ordered the same meal as I had, the new special Homestyle Chicken dinner: two plump, hand-breaded boneless chicken breasts fried to a golden brown and served with your choice of three country vegetables, plus biscuits or corn muffins. I had ordered mine as pictured with mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and baby carrots. It was a damn good meal I am looking forward to having again soon.



Unlike the picture, my dinner came with all the sides included on the main plate. Sometimes they will put a vegetable that has liquid, like corn, in a separate dish, but for the most part they are all grouped on one nice large plate. This guy specifically ordered everything be in a separate dish. The waitress placed all of the items (five dishes in all) on the table and left. He proceeded to order the dishes in a manner I could not quite discern from my distance. There was a very specific and intentional order, though.

Once his arrangement was complete, he went into consumption mode eating one item at a time until completion before moving on to the next item - vegetables first, then potatoes and finally the meat. I left before I got to see what he did with the biscuits.

I enjoy seeing people do things like this because they remind me that as compulsive as I can be at times, there are always people that probably should be taking medication for it.

I am not sure why I found it so amusing, but while browsing around the IRS website looking for information on business tax procedure I stumbled upon a frequently asked questions page that discussed if you have not filed your taxes in some time. The last question answered is as follows:

Will I Go To Jail?

Our long-standing practice has been not to recommend criminal prosecution of individuals for failure to file tax returns- provided they voluntarily file, or make arrangements to file, before being notified they are under criminal investigation. The taxpayer must make an honest effort to file a correct return and have income from legal sources. A letter from your IRS Service Center concerning your taxes is not a notice that you are under criminal investigation.

Our effort to get people back into the system is part of a long-term plan to improve tax compliance. We want to get people back into the system, not prosecute ordinary people who made a mistake. However, we will continue to investigate flagrant cases involving criminal violations of tax laws.