Mount Sutro: An Electronic Periodical

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5.25-inch Floppy Diskette Article Archive

Happy Thanksgiving

by Archived Article (2001–2014) Help
I am thankful for having such great folks that have helped me a lot during the past year. Besides, who else's parents would have bought them the following during a visit to a soap store?

[ Bitch Bar Soap ]

This is not the first novelty soap my step-father has gotten for me. Last Christmas, I received the following:

[ A Gay Bar Soap ]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

T-Shirt Hell

by Archived Article (2001–2014) Help
In T-Shirt Hell's most recent newsletter they decide to give thanks during this holiday season.
This time of year I think about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that I'm not a young kid with cancer whose last wish was to spend time with Michael Jackson. Kid's are so stupid. He should have asked for Justin Timberlake, or that whore Christina Aguilera. Either way he would have gotten his dick sucked.

I'm glad I wasn't home when Scott Peterson called to see if I wanted to go fishing with him last Christmas.

I'm glad I only take cooking tips, not stock tips from my neighbor, Martha Stewart. Here's an inside tip on Martha; she loves a good fisting, followed by being filled with a half gallon of milk...and then fisted again so that the milk is pushed out.

I'm glad my sex tape with the Hilton sisters has not been made public. (It's not that exciting. It's just Nikki laughing and pointing, while Paris rubs my back and assures me it happens to a lot of guys.) Fuck you Nikki. Your handbags are all derivative.

But mostly I'm glad I have you, my loyal customer base. Glad that at the end of the month after blowing most of your paycheck on lube, cocaine, and midget entertainers, you still have something left over to buy the occasional t-shirt. Plus, when I think about your desperate lives, my life looks even better in comparison.
So why not head over to T-Shirt Hell and purchase something for the holidays. After all, nothing says "I love you" like an offensive shirt you know your fucked up friends and family will love

Once Upon A Mattress

by Archived Article (2001–2014) Help
I would like to send a special fuck you! greeting to the person who invented the cotton mattress cover. You know, that thin cotton sheet with the elastic trim that fits around your mattress under your primary sheet. Thanks to you, I just spent a good ten minutes this early morning contorted on my bed in positions one should never have to be in alone. For that matter, it seems like this device was designed for installation by two (or more) people, never mind the single person of today. Is it not possible that it be just slightly larger to make putting it on a hair easier and without the need to involve clothes pins, heavy objects and enough language to make a sailor blush? Of course the real icing on the cake of bedroom irony will be that after a few days of non-rambunctious solo sleeping, that damn cover will hardly be covering the mattress in fifty percent of its corners. We can send many men to the moon, yet the elusive mattress cover is still needing a good Kennedy speech to kick-start an evolution.

Vino poich, corpo e anima

by Archived Article (2001–2014) Help

As you may recall I took a Saturday trip not too far back to the nearby city of Clermont to walk around the historic downtown, visit the Citrus Tower and just generally enjoy a relaxing day. The last stop on that trip was to the Lakeridge Winery where my friend and I sampled many of their wines and took a tour of their production facility. Below is a letter I recently received in the mail from them.
Dear David,

Congratulations on being the winner of our weekly Gift Certificate drawing. This letter may be redeemed at the winery for $25.00 in merchandise. Thank you for you coming in, we hope to see you again soon.

Dedicated to your good taste;

Kyle S. Johnson
Retail Manager
Well how about that! I think I can take another little trip out that way to pick up some more bottles of wine. Especially since I also got hired today; details on that to come later.

Regarding Oral Consumption

by Archived Article (2001–2014) Help
I have been feeling rather under the weather for the past week or so and just noticed it has been a while since I posted something not pertaining to current events. So continuing with the food theme, I thought I would put together some personal notes about dining. Hopefully this will not deter any possible dates from wishing to go out to dinner with me. Ok, you can stop laughing now. No, really.

I think I may have already mentioned before my preference for booths over tables. This is especially true in restaurants where the tables are located in the middle of the dining floor. Nothing drives me nuts more in the seating department than being sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant. A table along a wall is not quite a booth, but is certainly doable. And get this: there are a few restaurants in town where I will wait for a seat, passing up already available tables because they make me so uncomfortable.

Take Away
Of the choices offered-up by more and more eateries these days, dine-in, carry out or delivery (where available), I only find one generally acceptable option: dine-in. Sure, like everyone else I enjoy a nice box of delivered pizza to my home, but with that notable exception I really dislike the whole rushed idea of eating on the run.

If given the chance to never eat again, I would take it up because I could really do without it if I never got hungry again. That sadly not being the situation, I feel that dining should be a little break from the rest of your day. Whether eating alone or with others, sitting down and being serviced in a restaurant is great way to relax and take care of that ever-nagging stomach. How people can eat lunch at their desks or in their cars is beyond me. Too busy is your argument? Well enjoy your stress-induced cardiovascular disease at thirty, but I am going to take the time to get away during my allocated eating and break times. On a more technical level, food never tastes the same once you get home as it would have had you eaten it in the restaurant. Finally, I might not be a member of Greenpeace but I try to do my part for the environment and all the packaging required to transport a measly dinner for one is a ridiculous waste if you ask me.

Fast Food
Having stated the above, another exception to my dine-in only rule applies in cases where dine-in is not available, such as the case is often with restaurants open 24 hours via the drive-through only. While I would happily dine at a facility that did offer continual seating, my desire to sit in a restaurant alone has waned over the years. So instead I will make a drive-though run as I did this morning. This action creates another situation, however. I have to get a beverage and side (usually french fries) upgrade because I will inevitably drink half my beverage and eat half my fries on the drive back home. I do not think it is as much a hunger thing as it is a freshness one. You cannot beat fries so fresh the grease stings your fingers as you hold them.

Dinner and a Show
If the occasion does call for eating at home be that from one of the above exceptions or more typically the result of my cooking for myself, I will sit in front of the television whilst doing so. That is usually the only television I end up watching during the course of a week. Recent favourites: Law and Order and The West Wing. While I was not feeling well I watched both The American President and Wonder Boys twice. But I digress.

Vegetarianism sounds great in my head, but never really took well in practice. I like my meat medium rare. Lactose is evil. So is the "Insert" key, inconveniently located next to "End," "Delete" and "Backspace" on my laptop keyboard making it a ripe candidate for accidental pressing.